come in california
i never loved you–enough
you knew i spotted your disease
called it by name
but cramming that aside
you alone understood my morbidity was not skin deep
you followed my discoloured half-hidden cynicism
didn’t poke my fissures or faults
and now the san andreas is pitching
and the sierra madre raises fists in the distance
pick up california
you need to know i made the sacrifice
i broke the bone off clean
gnawed through the restraints
i’m ready to set sail
but now your number falls among the Unlisted
i’m fairly convinced you never existed in the first place
every last square mile of you fades in the smog
lost with the postage
change the channel california
i’ve seen enough
the truth is–all i found worthy
in your body lays from frisco north
that raw air around lake shasta is sweet enough to breathe
fucking Bless it california
i always thought you a whore
but i couldn’t help taking more than a peek myself
i’ve been infatuated since fifteen
with your shortening tightening skirts
yes, i’ll pretend you’re a prima ballerina
if you keep insisting it
los angeles always sang my name
my mother left san diego at my age
i was ordered off to hollywood at seventeen
but i couldn’t resist flipping that twisted life off
maybe now i’ll never fly through santa barbara or bel air
walk through alcatraz or death valley to ingest some history
i wasn’t impressed with lake tahoe
but the Redwoods–those i’d been dying to see
my darling california
though it’s unavoidable i despise being alone
and you always were a tease just beyond my reach
maybe i can’t handle commitment
i go through phases where i know monogamy is bullshit
then i look in your eyes–regret it
and i don’t know what to think
maybe i’ll court your jealous sister new york
while i putrefy in the shadow of your limbo
waiting for you to rub against me
hard as an allergic reaction
oh how you could never keep your hands off me
until the moment i could give my full legal consent
if i blow my kisses to the east coast
would you fly straight back or leave altogether
curse all this time wasted at my side forevermore
if a sultry city–a new orleans
if a debonair rake–a colorado springs
descended to impregnate
would you flee or storm back in to claim and scold
YES–I’M LISTENING
over the drone i strain
for every sniffle cough and laugh
every damned sound you make
i’m listening california
you robbed me of all i held dear
sucked the marrow out of my biggest dreams
swallowed all my favorite people whole
you never leave a trace of where you’ve been or
what you’ve slain there
i hated your stench from the first
i didn’t comprehend that strained image
but i worshipped your ideals–
because they were my own
you and i
you and i teetered that fine line between art and business
and we knew how deep one could plunge
into that toilet bowl
palette of grey
the forbidden zone
before you drown
and no matter how deep i sink in your
contaminated water and drink my fill
i still can’t flush you from my thoughts
voice mail again
tell me california
where you’ve vanished to
we haven’t been able to negotiate
since you struck molten gold and exploded
be kind–one soldier of fortune to another
trust in me completely this time
let me park my galleon in your harbor
flush against your palaces
i know you didn’t trip into the pacific
because you’ve slipped between shadows before
where can i forward this address
shall i follow in your footsteps
wait–WAIT–blue skies–
let me calibrate
pick up that phone california
we both know you’re nothing close to what i begged for
and everything i need everything i crave
can’t figure out how to breathe and sleep without
and just like your quest for transitory iron ore
that ache won’t alleviate until we’re fused
unfortunately we’re the same in all the wrong ways
london stop us melbourne save us
if the greek just starved
to be well-bedded by the devil’s advocate
between you and i
every pretty lie was an ugly dirty truth
well–we’ve never loved for less
say something california
i can hear you breathing
and it sounds like milton–like paradise lost
i thrash desperately for your reply
over coffee between my sheets
i stretch and scream for your innuendo your double your triple-entendre
do you plan to just leave me writhe like this
you know california
i cleared the skies over old riverwest just for you
to keep your feet ingeniously grounded in your frail securities
the third ward remains deserted since we skipped town
the northside from shorewood and brookfield to wauconda and schaumburg
seem to have dried up rotted bloated and died
portland went stagnant and austin pushed me away
you’ve left me no choice
time to hunt you down in africa remote
and explain to you why your cell phone won’t work
rescue you before the natives get in line for your spaceship
or mistake you for a god with that incessant beeping
maybe serve you like steak
that’s a raw humor only you could appreciate
oh california
a thing like you can’t be anything but
imaginary
where there is no electricity
come back home california
willow creek isn’t as bright
the fox river muddles
lacking more than your jokes and your stupid stupid pranks
freaky milwaukee has an opening
only a dark prince like you could fill
i don’t care where you’ve crawled
or toward whom you stagger to
as long as in the end
i know you’ll snore in my bed
I PROMISED I PROMISED
and i may be a little late
merely six or seven years
but not much has changed
there’s a new supermarket a traffic light a passing lane
the goth world accomplished its suicide
while no one was looking
the punk scene got weak and lazy
the kids today seem to have forgotten
once we had something to fight for and we were united against–against–
our lives were built of rebellion
and we convinced ourselves we’d change the world
this atrocity called fashion was born of that
and back then you were shunned if it was store bought
the music was our voice
our actions were–
what the hell am i doing
preaching this anthem to a choirmaster
don’t forget the reasons why
when you leave that organ behind
to spill some wine
give me your rotten oath on that
swear on what you dare profane
it’s enough to say i miss our youth
our insanity and stupidity
i’m sorry i always shied from the Promised Land
but you didn’t exactly write
california
i guess you were busy with grown up things
dark alleys backseats and basement experiments
stop changing your number california
stop chasing across the map like a wild fake gypsy
pummeling dangerous uncharted and untracked down the winding freeways
through the air over the waves
the cartographers said they pinned you down
but it was just gallons of ink
i can’t keep up and i can’t block the contagion out
so i’ll just sit back and sip my coffee
while yours grows old and congeals
you always stood me up california
or wait–was it me–
always waiting
the wrong place at the wrong time
well i have a feeling you rammed straight for the bait
let me go check my traps lacing plainfield
see if you twitch in someone else’s steel jaws
hurry hurry california
make your final bid
no i never took my finger of that triggerhair button
your dead air–your dial tone–maybe you cut off this time
you just wait–i just might detonate
you changed the rules california
you always do
you changed the locks too
and disappeared
i’ll catch you one of these days
you’ll pay in peacock feathers and eye teeth
you’ve broken my heart too many times
in your spiked mystery and poetic exuberance
so i’ve no choice but to stake yours–once and for all
down i drop into your green seas
or is that azul–soar into blue skies
stray closer in that grey moody rain
all of you is intangible
and impossible
like november pomegranate visions
i want you to dream deep and remember nothing
nothing but me
California–how dare you leave me
California–tell the truth–i don’t think tennessee was really all that pretty
California–i know nebraska never fascinated you like me
TELL ME CALIFORNIA–TELL ME NAMES YOU BITCH
i want the whole list
why you really fled
because hell knows i’m more of a whore than you
YOU WERE ALL I EVER LOVED
AND NOTHING I ONCE UNDERSTOOD
until now. until now.
how dare you slip away while i blink
I’M BEGGING YOU TO HOLD ON CALIFORNIA
DON’T HANG UP THE PHONE
I CAN’T BEAR ANOTHER LOST DIAL TONE
**FINE THEN**
JUST CUT THE GREEN WIRE
AND DECIMATE ALL TIES
AS I SURRENDER ONE LAST TIME
TO YOUR PLAINTIVE MATING CALL
i hear they have trees high in your deserts
that are older than christianity
do you even care
you may not despise the country
but you’ve always been hip deep in city
i drew you a pretty tree on my notebook
thought of you floating in your island in the sky
send the northwest my regards
give the columbia river gorge a big fat kiss on your way out
i’d like to build a little empire beside yours unfettered and free
i choke and choke
I LEFT WITHOUT A GOODBYE
oh CALIFORNIA
you always tempted me with the finest fruit
you bastard you whore you bitch
my life’s lacking citrus and i’d seduce for a ripe mango
i adored your coastline inch by inch
drained your vineyards dry
i basked in your sunsets
and soaked up your mountains like martinis
roaming half an hour from sacramento
while i was seeking oregon forests
i suddenly realized everything i loved
i left behind–absolutely abandoned
without even blinking whiplash
somewhere back there–beyond my rearview–lay
chicago
but that windbag left me as unrequited as lucifer
so i was West Coast Bound
and who knew my california lay ahead
maybe all our loves are one and the same unending
trading names and faces as time decays
one solid experience between the pepper and the salt
you were supposed to remain stationary my pretty
that floating fable is urban legend
luring me out past my breakwaters to an elusive lorelei
nothing to do with mother nature the san andreas rock or you
oh come on confess it california
you were so full of life
and forever on the brink of death
you thirst for lake michigan too
half the blood coursing your veins is midwestern
remember it california–the pulse–the pulse–
wabash to wacker under the loop and rest at buckingham fountain
somewhere past union station scaling the sears tower
cursing the constant construction of o’hare and inhaling the endless stretch of marina
i confess i only come downtown for the pizza
and the pleasure of being mistaken for a native
remember what it was like
to finally fit your pieces to the puzzle
coming home for the first time fully grown
and lying to the teeth when the rats asked in disgust
just what farm you escaped from
be original say mink
so here’s an idea california
let’s meet halfway
pray for colorado and not kansas
i’ll bring the coffee i fyou bring the conversation
maybe we’ll trade in we’ll pawn our weapons
for some clean sheets
a place to hide your shovel between our adventures
while we watch Wild at Heart
and wonder what the hell is wrong with us as we laugh
cheering on defoe’s finale straight through the credits
te amo te deseo te quiero mi california
we never shared paris
this has been a hellish affair de coeur
i must confess
i despise playing your filthy mistress
that role though delicious always sat stiff on my tongue
for all the knowledge gained
i’ve never been sure if it was worth it
i intended to be your only wife
though i don’t believe in the ownership implied
and you don’t believe in eternity
so much for our contorted version of matrimony
it’s been nigh on a year and a day
i promise it’ll take more than a wheelchair to impede me
but enough of film noir
you always had too much fun
busting those golden gates of memory
and burning every bridge in sight
even if i called to say i found your key
no more breaking in
i’m stopping by to refurbish your fortress
and relinquish our treasures
i find i can’t speak and i can’t form a sensible letter
no–no–not yet california–
come back and vandalize
i need your graffiti soiling my mirrors
your aerosol and wheat glue on every surface
as precious to me as a
basquiat/samo underground mural
PICK UP CALIFORNIA
i always loved you best and hated you more
can’t we just skip this awkwardness and
slide inside to private jokes and the Amish Kitten Bake Tapes
damn dead air–
just then–intake of breath–
CRASH THAT RECEIVER TO THE CRADLE
oh come on baby
eras have passed
what’s it gonna take
what would i have to say to you anyway
©️ 2007
Originally posted on my DeviantArt
Mischa Fox 