Deluge and Glass

striving in the dark
i don’t remember the game
but i remember
the smell of you
which i find now never changed
and my little rabbit heart under my spun candy ribs
speeding too fast and tripping
you were always trying to sneak up
scare me in the dark
and i may never have jumped
but trust me
you succeeded with every heart attack
inevitable as you drew near
and today i could trace
each piece of skin
you ever brushed
in the history of our existence
i only barely remember my world
before you crashed into it

i made a fine art of being too cool to care
because it mattered too much
that at some point we stopped
saying each other’s names
and it makes no sense
that it damns so much
that i haven’t heard my name from your lips
since i was eight
and in all the heavy moments since
no one has cracked into my iron chest
so it would make no sense if i breathed it now
i locked these secrets up
but now they flood out with the deluge of memory
and i can’t dam them up

we go all the way back
to the release date of pacman
and the day you taught me to play atari
and i remember i fell in love with you again that summer
shoving your baby brother
and holding his head underwater
for throwing me in the deep end
and even then i knew
you only did it
because i was the youngest kid
the youngest of the boys
and it shattered me at seven
but i loved you anyway
because your presence meant
i would be spared
some of what fate set in store for me
and i think now
that woman beat me in your absence
because it was so obvious i adored you
and hated her molesting son

that was the summer
you discovered girls
and i discovered
that to you i wasn’t one
and i struggled so hard to catch up
to become something alien else
on the fine line between
and i think my brain has been scrambled
since you hauled me aside
in my desperate floundering efforts
and smugly scoffed the way you still sometimes do
‘you don’t wanna be a girl–
they’re dumb–
and you are too cool for that crap’
i bit back my tears in confusion
on the verge of demanding just what it was you thought i was
but i knew in that thundering instant
to keep my silence and bite my lip in conflict
because your eyes said
it was not okay
for The Kid
to speak it’s mind
no matter what manner of thing it was
‘forget it–
you’re something else
something… different–
don’t be like them’

and i guess i am still traumatized and unsure
caught somewhere between
child and woman
tomboy and real live girl
when you started worshipping jenny mccarthy
and boxed up your toys
left me and the boys behind with long afternoons of ren and stimpy
i am still suspended
stretched over the needles of that moment
when i could no longer be your friend
but you refused to watch me be what you thought you wanted
and maybe
what was more important
was the fact that
it was most definitely not
a real live girl you said wanted
or respected
but something else

and i spent the next decade
so close so close
withering and screaming inside
that if you yearned for something that different
why you never just opened your eyes
and took it
the only one of the boys who never once teased me
you were the only one who tortured
completely obliviously
as i made a comfortable home in the shadows
my head full of things inspired on horror movie screens
i only shared with you
and i remember clearly
when i busted the other boys
spying in the bathroom
peering through bedroom windows
because i was the closest thing to a budding
real live girl
in ten miles
i shrieked and threw things
still standing violent in my underwear
because that is how we were raised
as warriors
the only thing that made me pissed
was the fact that you were mature and missed it
that you never witnessed
my blossoming marks of adolescence
so that i could prove to you
once and for all
yes
i am a real live girl

that was roughly the time
my secret got out for about five whole seconds
just long enough to travel to the back of the bus
just before our collective last stop
back where the boys sat
and the boys had to tease you
and me
until
the bus driver slammed on her breaks
and informed you all to shut up
and laughed
“you take that in stride, son
someday that one’s gonna be a supermodel
and you’ll be gloating over that
you’ll wake up one day and all wish you could have that”
and you took one look at your brother
and blurted my name
the last i’d hear it from your lips
“she’s just a kid”
and i vowed revenge for that
i vowed you’d choke on every letter
someday
even though i never believed
i would achieve becoming a swan

ah dreadful adolescence
where we both withdrew
silent somewhat sullen and shy
a world where i never could quite
catch up
after you shot above six feet
and i guess i was still playing
the ultimate victim of the gawky ugly duckling syndrome
my eyes only for books or art
and my heart full of bohemia already
but you gained an advantage in your sports
and maintained your popularity
which i tried to resent you for even more
failing completely
because you were never a jock
just an athlete
and every time i polish my saxophone
i feel your presence behind me
dressed in spotless pressed silver and black
holding down the bass line
and bellowing at the freshmen
half the time looking as if
you might run the snare’s sticks right through them
you had cars and ditzy girlfriends
while i was hiding my transforming body in
oversized sweaters glasses and getting by with only my brains
baffled by makeup and hairspray
too worried about my physics exam
to let on that i even gave a damn

you conditioned me to run
to stay silent
not by anything you actually had done
but because of my sheer terror
lest the other boys uncover me
and start a new level of poking fun
and the sheer terror that i lose my brothers forever
they say i have a heart of ice
that i am untouchable
and i truly believe now
it was your masterpiece
and no matter how far i’ve come
when it comes to you
oh especially you
i find i still run

you always taunted unseeing
tantalizingly before me
and beyond all doubt
unattainable
to The Kid that was now truly invisible
you forged my entire sexuality
except for the ten percent
that belonged exclusively to catwoman
by that point i think i renewed my pledge weekly
to come back a bombshell and destroy you

i envisioned it nightly, daily, constantly
violently
drop dead sexy in lacey lingerie
graced with sassy red things and snappy heels
scarlet lipstick big eyes and a cascade of curls
the body of something willowy i only in vengeance
dreamed i’d ever possess
all curves and lust incarnate
when you graduated
you missed my formative years
and all that’s come since
i envisioned it harshly
you were older and balding
your muscle going to fat from laziness
either miserably alone or with a mousy wife
when i walk in
a swan at last
to look over in disgust and reap my revenge
savour my silent walking away
my absolute dismissal that has been in the making for twenty-two years
but these things never play out the way we need

because you grew up handsome
and none of my hopes came to pass
the darkness within evolved to full consciousness
and now i’m waiting
for some cheesy lifetime movie music to chime in
and announce my embarrassment
and that for me
nothing has changed
standing before you yes
a swan
in a black marilyn dress and sassy shoes
and more completely unmanned
than ever before
armed with the experience of a successful seductress
and wanting so much more than i ever imagined i could
at precious thirteen
and i saw the spark
the bonfire within ignited fully
the streaking possibility
that i could have taken you that night
ruining our families and all our friendships
tossing them to the wind
just to be cast out forever with the stamp of harlot
so one last time i fled
but maybe i should have pulled you aside
to tell you the truth
that ten years later
i finally realized
i never wanted revenge
i wanted you
just you
and all of you
not just for one night

my core is not ice
this heart is glass
and i think it has been in your grip
since i was in diapers
all the missing pieces of me
i would like them back
one way or another
and i am so tempted to tell the truth at last
but i know i cannot withstand
the possible ultimate shattering
if i don’t get those pieces back

©️ 2007

Originally posted on my DeviantArt